


Shut UP, Bucky!

by wakandan_wardog



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Condoms, Gen, Humor, Minor Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 04:19:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakandan_wardog/pseuds/wakandan_wardog
Summary: From the hellscape of Discord Discussions I bring you:QueenWuppy: "During World War II condoms were not only distributed to male U.S. military members, but enlisted men were also subject to significant contraception propaganda in the form of films, posters, and lectures. A number of slogans were coined by the military, with one film exhorting "Don't forget — put it on before you put it in.""guys i was doing research and and steve and bucky were subjected to this".AKA Bucky makes SO MANY COMMENTS about Super Soldier Sized Protection. So many.





	Shut UP, Bucky!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QueenWuppy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWuppy/gifts), [rebelmeg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/gifts), [mistrstank (dreamingdarkly)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingdarkly/gifts).



Sergeant James Buchanan –call me Bucky- Barnes doesn’t think much of it, at first. The fact of the matter is, the whole of his unit is sitting in a room getting lectured by a middle-aged man in a lab coat. It’s part of the list of various training and test requirements before they’re actually sent off to war, and in some ways many would consider sitting in lecture a mandatory reprieve from boot camp.

As one of the guys actually in the trenches, Bucky -for one- is willing to charge headlong into enemy fire if it would get him out of this room. He knows damn well the importance of safe sex, _thank you very much, Doc_ , and he sure as hell doesn’t need a horrifying film explaining what happens when one isn’t careful. If the movie isn’t enough, the Doctor has brought along helpful slides, and posters as visual aids to his rather dry and droning tone. Which is probably good because Dum Dum Dugan looks ready to fall over until Bucky plants two fingers between his ribs in a vicious jab that has him startling awake and swearing.

“What the, _hell_ was that for?” Dugan snaps as the Doctor focuses on a younger recruit in the front row and thankfully misses all of Dugan’s uncoordinated flailing. “Sarge?”

“You were snorin’.” Bucky hisses at him. “If there’s anything worse than the Doc’s talkin’, it’s your snoring, Dum Dum. Cut that shit out.”

Dugan looks up at the slide, blanches, and glances back at Bucky. “Awww Sarge, but c’mon!”

“Listen, I know that no one’s gonna want to make time with you, with a face like that and all.” Bucky says in his most mockingly sympathetic tone, even gently patting the man on his shoulder sympathetically. “But even so. Stay awake, read the posters, and keep your mouth shut.”

“I- h-hey!” Dugan hisses, abruptly bristling when the words sink in. “Barnes! That’s just mean.”

“It’s true though.” Bucky snips back. “Now listen about how to keep your family jewels safe and leave me the hell alone.”

“Bite me, Brooklyn.” Dugan grumbles again, resettling in his chair with a final baleful glare and a twitch of his mustache. “I’m not gonna forget this.”

Bucky makes his eyes as wide and guileless as possible. “You shouldn’t, you’ve only got one, important to take care of it.”

“I _hate_ you, Sarge.”

“Good. That means you’ll keep it away from me, sleeved or not.”

“Man, I should have sat next to Jones or Izzy. They would have been more tolerable than you.”

“You’ll know next time then, won’tcha?”

“Sarge, if they make me sit through this again, I’m _definitely_ sleeping.”

Yeah, Bucky doesn’t blame him at all. Horrific lesson learned: put it on before you put it in.

*

Bucky’s on shaky ground after Captain America rescues him from Hydra. Can’t stand the press of his shirt collar at his throat, doesn’t like things on his face, startles if someone moves at him too fast. He’s perpetually got one hand on a weapon, don’t matter what kind, and his back to a wall. Head’s a bit on a swivel, trying to track everything at once, eyes darting nervously over a room at any given time. He can’t really unwind, unless he’s on Steve’s left with a weapon in hand and no chance someone can sneak up behind him.

When all is said and done, the Howling Commandos are their own unit. A rag-tag band of soldiers led by Captain America, the man that saved them from Hydra and broke protocol to do it. Steve’s still Steve, Bucky knows that, he’s just bigger. A Soldier, and then some. Honestly, at first he can’t quite reconcile the soldier that saved him with the little shrimp that he grew up with. Can’t quite understand how he constantly looks down and to his right, only catch sight of an elbow instead of a blond head of hair. Right, Stevie’s big, volunteered for a medical experiment that changed just about everything for him. Cleared up all his health issues, fixed his heart and his asthma and the curve of his spine, put meat on his bones, made him grow like a weed. He’s inches taller now than James, looks at his best friend from just above eye level.

It... takes some adjusting.

But then everything snaps into place as they’re walking down a hall to a fancy meeting with Carter and Colonel Phillips and Stark and whoever else is on Steve’s War Council. Bucky’s at Steve’s left, as always, just a half step behind so he can watch things around them and be ready to act. But something slots into place in his head, something like the old carefree James Barnes shaking loose, and he opens his mouth to speak without thinking.

“You have to sit through the lecture with the Doc?” He asks innocently.

“What?” Steve mumbles, his brain probably focusing on the task at hand –or Carter- and clearly not ready for Bucky to chime in with random questions as they move past a blonde secretary that looks at Steve like he’s food.

“The safety lectures with the doctor.” Bucky hedges, impatient and amused. “I bet they had to tell you, with your no-doubt Super Stamina. Don’t you recall? They show a couple blue pictures and then tell ya to cover up for safety’s sake? Come on _Cap_ , you had to have seen ‘em.”

Steve’s cheeks go cherry red, his jaw tensing as his eyes slide to Bucky and then snap forward. “We’re about to go into a War Council, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Thought you must have.” Bucky replies, smooth and smug. “They size you before or after your uh, _enhancement protocol_? Just curious, are both measurements on file? That’s gotta be quite a before and after, Stevie.”

“Shut up!” Steve hisses, all righteous indignation as they stop outside the conference room doors. “Now’s not the time.”

“But, _‘if it’s not the right time for safety’_ ,” James parrots dutifully. “Then _‘it’s not the right time for romance’_ , Captain.”

Steve makes an enraged noise, not unlike the hissing of a tea kettle, but the door snaps open and Carter stands on the other side. “Are you ready, Captain?”

It takes everything Bucky has to keep a straight face. “He’ll give you his best, ma’am.”

Steve jerks slightly, like he’s been hit or barely managed to disguise the fact that he wants to punch his best friend. Still, he doesn’t say a word, and Bucky is too busy giving Carter his best angelic look to smirk at him for it. She gives him a disbelieving arch of one brow, but doesn't seem surprised.

“Come on then, we’re waiting.” Carter returns briskly and steps back into the room.

Steve casts a venomous look over his shoulder as he moves to follow her. “You’re a _dead man_ , Barnes.”

Bucky puts on his most innocent expression and steps into the room at Steve’s back, nodding greetings and then planting his back against a bare section of wall. For his part, Steve greets everyone with nods and handshakes, then steps over and leans against the table at the center of the room, the weak amber of the bulbs illuminating his golden hair as he begins gesturing and talking strategy with Colonel Phillips. He’s all business and strategy, gesturing to the maps and discussing arms shipments, but his ears are still pink from their conversation in the hall. Carter chimes in now and again, sharp for a soldier and tough for a dame, and Bucky can’t help but like how she takes nothing from no one.

As soon as she steps away to speak with another soldier, though, Bucky fixes his attention on Steve and begins humming a catchy little tune. He keeps it quiet, knowing Steve will hear, but can’t help recalling the lyrics as he does so.

_Who's strong and brave here to save the American Way?_

_Who vows to fight like a man for what's right, night and day?_

_Who will campaign door to door for America?_

_Carry the flag shore to shore for America?_

_From Hoboken to Spokane?_

_The Star Spangled Man with a plan!_

It takes maybe three notes in for Steve’s shoulders to go tight, his back stiffening and ears turning bright pink all over again. He turns his head just enough to shoot Bucky the evil eye over his shoulder, but Phillips drags his attention back to the maps before he can say or do anything. To Bucky’s amusement Steve just reduces himself to nods and intent looks, refusing to articulate a word.

When no one’s within ear shot, Bucky makes a questioning sound low in his throat. “The Star Spangled Man would certainly plan to be safe, wouldn’t he, Stevie?”

Steve gives him a baleful glare, but still says nothing.

“Don’t forget.” Bucky whispers cheerfully. “Put it on before you put it in.”

Steve’s back ripples, his right hand clutching at the edge of the table as his left clenches in a fist. He can’t shoot Bucky a warning glare, but the body language is pretty unmistakable. Bucky grins widely and returns to his humming, nodding now and again when someone –other than Steve- looks his way. The Captain, for his part, refuses to acknowledge his best friend for the remainder of the conversation.

Bucky’s pretty sure the guy holds his breath for the rest of the meeting. It kinda feels like victory. That feeling remains even after they’ve been dismissed and released back into the hallway, and Steve turns to glare at him.

“You’re not invited to any more War Councils.” He informs Bucky in a growling tone.

“I’ll try not to cry about it, Captain.”

*

If Steve is hoping that ‘withholding War Council Privileges’ will make Bucky drop this new, highly enjoyable form of self-entertainment, he’s sorely mistaken. Bucky knows his weakness now, knows that if he pitches his voice to the announcer-like tone and begins a sentence with _“Don’t forget”_ , Steve will lose his train of thought every single time.

At one point, he manages it in the middle of the group, after elbowing Dugan and telling him to pay attention. “Hey, hey Stevie! _Don’t Forget_ ,” He intends to say the whole thing, he really does, but Dugan’s snickering behind his mustache and Steve makes an unholy sound like a cat in a bath. Junior coughs a laugh into his coffee, doubling over as he wheezes.

“James Buchanan, _don’t you dare_ finish that!” Steve growls.

Bucky means to, he really does, but he’s too busy laughing until he cries into Dugan’s shoulder to manage it. The rest of the Howlies laugh too though, so it’s not so bad. James is pretty sure he even sees Steve crack a smile, but the Captain’s face is bright red and his ears aren’t much better, so it’s still funny as hell.

*

As they trek their way through Europe, destroying Hydra bases as they go, Bucky can’t help but continue to needle his friend about the whole thing.

“I’m serious, the change is pretty dramatic, Steve.” Bucky continues in his best serious voice. He’s been gearing up for this for a while, and Jacques and Dum Dum are walking pretty close to his left flank, listening intently, so he thinks they know what he’s aiming for.

“Really?” Steve murmurs, dry and disinterested, his attention on the woods around them. “I hadn’t noticed, Buck.”

“Yeah, yeah, you noticed.” Bucky waves it off. “Course you did, major upgrade to an all-terrain vehicle. Steve, you’re a tank. An enhanced, Super Soldier tank.”

“I’m certain this is going somewhere that I want no part of, but please continue, Sergeant Barnes.” Steve sighs. “Get on with it and get it over with.”

“And now I know why they say romance is dead.” Bucky says to Dugan, in his most disparaging tone. “You hear this charmer? Honestly, _‘Get on with it and get it over with’_ , he says. I tell you, boys, romance is _dead_.”

“ _Buck_.” Steve growls.

“Alright, I’m still wonderin’… Did they size you for condoms?”

Steve sputters and honest to god trips, skittering ungracefully as he falls over thin air and shoots a glare at his best friend. “BUCK!”

Dum Dum and Jacques _lose it_ , howling with laughter and leaning on each other for support. Steve looks at them, looks back at Bucky’s pathetically false look of innocence, and shakes his head. Stomping on ahead with all the scathing offense of a cross feline, Steve tosses back over his shoulder. “I changed my mind, no more talking for you.”

“I mean, they gotta be what… Super-sized?” Bucky continues to wonder loudly.

“Bucky! I mean it! NO MORE TALKING!”

“Dude, we were marching in the rain last week! Why didn’t you offer everyone a poncho?”

_“BUCKY!”_

*

Later Bucky happily digs through Steve’s pack as the group settles around in their tents or by the fire, and victoriously hauls a box out of the depths of the bag. Shouting, he throws himself out of the tent and sprints across the camp. “Hey Boys! He ain’t commando after all! The Captain’s got ‘em and they’re _Super Sized_!”

Dernier whistles loudly from his place by the fire, and Dum Dum starts laughing his big, booming laugh. Happy Sam Sawyer is rolling his eyes, but he smirks when Bucky darts past him. Izzy, Rebel and Junior fall into a huddle where they’re trying to cook and brew coffee, all coordination lost. None of ‘em move to help, or defend Steve’s honor, so at least there’s that.

Steve makes an inarticulate noise of rage and shoots to his feet, lunging after his cackling friend. “JAMES BUCHANAN! I WILL KILL YOU!”

“Gotta catch me first, Stevie!” Bucky shouts, vaulting over where Dum Dum is reclining against a log. “Be careful though, you’re packin’ and I’d hate for you to trip over that _Super Soldier_.”

Steve shouts and puts on a burst of speed, laying Bucky out in a tackle. It drives the air out of his lungs and hurts like a bitch, allowing the blond to scale his prone figure and wrench the box out of his hands. It's undignified and a rough tumble but when he can finally breathe again he laughs until he cries. It’s the first time that he thinks maybe it’s ok Steve followed him to war, because at least they’re both still here.

Eric and Pinky, for their parts, ignore the fuss that’s going on back at the main camp and remain at their lookout posts, grinning all the while.

*

In the French countryside, Bucky sprawls out on his back in the center of a clearing and stares up at a sky full of stars. It’s nothing like home, but some days home is so far behind him that New York feels like an alien world. The stars, after so long walking through the world and fighting at Steve’s back, the stars have become familiar. So Bucky lays back and looks, Steve curled in a bedroll to his right.

Dugan was Bucky’s recent partner on watch and still sits off to one side, so he glances toward the man to confirm he’s awake, then speaks up. “Hey Dugan.”

“Sarge?” Dugan mumbles as he sips at his coffee.

“Think we’ll go to Paris?”

Dugan pauses, likely thinking of all matter of French dames and what few words Dernier has managed to teach him. “Probably… why?”

Bucky shrugs. “No reason… I mean, I stole one of Steve’s Condoms and I wanna see if it’ll stretch over the Eiffel Tower… But mostly no reason.”

In his bedroll, Steve swears for several minutes. “James Buchanan!”

“I’m not talkin’ to you right now.” Bucky sniffs loudly. “You just said some very unflattering things about my Ma.”

“ _Bucky_.” Steve insists, sitting upright to glare.

Dugan, for his part, just laughs and tips his bowler hat over his eyes, leaning back against his pack with a sigh. The whole of the group seems to sleep better when the Cap and Sarge are arguing, it’s the silence that makes everyone nervous. Bucky getting in trouble for stealing condoms is probably the closest thing they have to normal, when all is said and done.

“I ain’t talkin’ to ya.” Bucky reiterates. “Though if you wanna make it up to me, I do need a Super Soldier boy with a devil-may-care attitude to use a condom as a parachute and leap out of a plane… But he’s gotta aim for putting said condom parachute over the Eiffel Tower.”

“I give up.” Steve mutters, throwing himself back down and pulling his rucksack over his head. “For fuck’s sake, Bucky…”

“Well yeah that’s usually what condoms are for, but these are massive… I gotta know what we’re workin’ with, here, Cap.”

The reply is muffled by the pack, but audible. “I hate you.”

Off to the side, Dugan chuckles.

Bucky continues like his best friend hasn’t said a word. “Just pull it right over, Stevie.”

Cap sits up and digs through his pack, chucking the small box and managing to hit the Sarge right in the head. “Take the damn things, and leave me alone about it, would ya?”

“For France, Stevie! Put it on for France!”

*

The next day, Barnes waits until they’re all gathered up and have started hiking to dig the box out of his pack. He considers it for a moment, then tsks loudly to express his disappointment. “Ya know, the SSR really slacked off with these. This would have been the perfect chance to market some “American” Brand Condoms… Strong enough to stop super sperm! They would outsell the fuck out of Trojans… Who was sleeping on the job in marketing, to allow this tragedy to come to pass?”

Steve sighs, long and loud, his shoulders slumping. “I am never speaking to you again.”

“Whatever you say, My Emperor.”

“Shut _up_ , Bucky.”

“Wrap it up, Steve.” Bucky murmurs solemnly. “For your nation’s sake.”

“I’m throwing you at the next blockade we encounter.”

Bucky doesn't believe him... Steve worked too hard to save his neck just to abandon him now. But just to be safe, he'll let it slide, for a little while. It's always more amusing when Steve thinks he's forgotten, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Aly who started it, Misty who encouraged it, and Meg who beta'd it.  
> To the beautiful, awesome, terrifying people that party with me on Discord: Nothing compares to you.  
>  ~~So practice safe sex.~~


End file.
